HyunJu Ji:Confession in Silence

Talking is one of human desires. A lot of people find a pleasure from a conversation with other people. But some people, like me, do not enjoy it. Well… I am a poor talker. From a casual conversation with unfamiliar people to an academic presentation, I always feel uncomfortable about talking. Because I know my bad talking skill such as awkward, twisted sentences, too little voice plus fear about people, I usually keep a silence. Even I like to not to talk, however, I like to communicate with people by my own way, writing.
To me, speaking is a shield if writing is a spear. I am a reserved person and honestly I have a fear about people. It affects when I talk. If I meet a situation to talk I find myself cannot express what I am thinking. My brain becomes a blank paper and my mouth gets start to stuck. Then, finally, I will say, “Mm…Well…Mm…” with a little trembling voice. How foolish those “M~m~” are. Thus, I usually try to be a good listener when people are saying rather than talking because I think not to talk is the way I can protect myself from becoming a fool.
On the other hand, writing is the way I can express myself without any hesitations. I do not know why but I feel cozy feelings when I write than to talk. Even I can assert my opinion and criticize something. Yes, I can! Even it is indirect way than speaking I can say my own word. That is the way to express my thinking. Moreover, writing gives a pleasure to communication with people instead of a direct verbal conversation.
Sometimes I find how I am a big mouth in my writing. I like to post blog postings on my blog. It is usually about very trifling things. when I start to write I cannot stop. Once I put around 20 postings on one day. I think I may find a proxy satisfaction from writing rather than my poor speaking. For getting along with people, for communicating with people and to for myself I write.
Writing is a shout in a silence to me. At the beginning of this semester, I was really worried about English 2F course. I knew well my poor English skills. So, I was afraid to write long length of papers such as a research paper. 10 pages… It means I have to fill out 10 pages with my lack of word. Moreover, critical thinking was not my major, however, this course was designed for several sensitive social issues with critical thinking and it was a big challenge for me. I always try to hide my opinion as possible as I can and I try to put myself to a listener’s position. But as follow as the course was progressed, I felt a desire of writing about those sensitive issues. I filled out 3 pages, 5 pages and finally 10 pages of blank papers with my thinking. It is amazing to me because if someone requests to me “ Say 10 minutes about your opinion” then I cannot say anything. I think God is fair, because he gave me a joy of writing instead of poor speaking skills.