Talk to me (Natalia Ushak)

“Your Father will give you a ride to the airport” –said my mom.
“What??” – I said with disgust as I ate something very sour.
“It is just 6 hours ride- you will survive”, she said. “Or maybe you want to take a train? “
Ok. I steered at my huge luggage and 3 bags. Whatever, I just wanted to get out of here ASAP.
I can’t believe it. It has been a little bit more than one year since he left us. It happed so suddenly that no one of the rest of the family can’t understand it or even have a chance to say something. It was painfully shocking that we pretended to live like nothing is going on, and it always were just 3 of us: me, mom and little sister. As a family we are so depend on each other, that’s why I think no one has been trying to start to talk about it, being afraid to hurt another one; it was easy and safe to ignore it, I felt like if we will start to touch this conversation it will be much more painful than put salt in the wound. And I should notice, we were really successful to escape this conversation for ours sake.
When my departure date has come I was prepared. I charged my iPod for 12 hours non-stop playing; I haven’t been sleeping for a day, covering it by innocent: “I need to talk to all my friends before I will leave”, I believed I will be so tired and will fall asleep. I put a book in my hand bag in case if something happens and I will have to be awake. I excluded any possibilities or chances to talk in the car. I will put my headphones and fall asleep immediately after my butt will touch the seat.
The door bell is ringing. We winced and gave each other the look.
“Time has come”’- my mother said.
“I see”- gloomy pronounced I am. Close my eyes, deep breath and I am opening the door.
“I am so glad to see you. How have you been!! Long time no talk, huh?!” – My father said so positively and energized like it wasn’t 5 o’clock in a morning.
“A While”- I said so awkwardly. I hugged my mom, took my bags and went downstairs to the car.
Ok. The car. My mood was like I was doing a big -big flavor to somebody for been here. How fast things can be switched. For some reason I started to remember all my family trips together in that car, our laugh and jokes, moment when I was sick in the car after good dinner and long ride, even it feels now so warmly. I was trying to get it out of my head, put my headphones, turned back and I was trying to fall asleep. But to say it was much more easily than to actually do it. I tossed in my seat like I have been bitten by millions wasps. All dead memories were popping out of my head and it seems like they were in every cell of my body. I didn’t know why I saw them, maybe because I was leaving country and it was something special for me , what I can’t have anywhere else, but I can’t have it anymore even in my home. It was my past and I understood it. I wasn’t either angry at my father, I thought I forgave him so long ago, I am happy so far as he is happy even with another woman. I just don’t wanted to bother my heart to think about our situation, I don’t wanted to find an answer to question “why” , I accept it as it is, without over thinking. Finally I fall asleep.
“Why we aren’t moving?”- I asked my father when I got up.
“We already couple miles from the airport, we came a little bit early, and I think we can wait here”- he said
“Damn” I thought.
“You must be excited about your trip.” - My father was trying to talk about “weather”.
“Sure I am very excited” -I said and thought to myself: “Can’t wait to get out of here”.
Silence.
“Is it all what we capable of?” – thought to myself.
Silence.
Ok, whatever, after all nothing can surprise me. I am started to do my favorite thing, staring at the front window, looking at highway.
“I am sorry”- he suddenly broke the silence.
Immediately without explanation I understand what he meant. But I can’t found any power to look at him. I turn my head to the side window.
“I know I hurt you and your sister”- he said it so slow it seems he can hardly breath.
His words were repeated uncounted times in my head. I can’t understand them or think what they mean; they were just repeated and repeated like echo. Then suddenly he took my hand and I felt my eyes were full of tears. He hug me so firm like never ever before without saying anything, I didn’t even hear his breath, but I know we both were crying. We were so confused, and together acted so childish, we were trying to hide our tears.
“So, I think, it is time to go to the airport”- he said to me.
“Oh, already….” -I didn’t believe it was time to leave. I was ready to do whatever it takes to stay in this car and don’t go anywhere. I was in despair. Now I saw my life in totally different colors and my absence in the town suddenly doesn’t seem so desirable anymore. I wanted to cry out, to scream, to block all car’s door, just don’t leave.
“Have a safe trip and I want you to know I love you and I am very proud of who you are, I need to say thanks to your mom who did so good job” -he was smiling at me and I knew he didn’t lie. It knocks me down. I knew I have to leave our car as soon as possible because thousand millions tears were on the way. But it was tears of happiness.
“I love you pa, I will miss you”- and I run to the terminal. All my face, neck were wet. I’ve never felt so happy and light.